If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
