if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like a drive thru vagina
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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