the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Let's paint friendship bongs
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
