Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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