I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
