I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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