omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
