If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wish there were birth control emojis
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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