I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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