I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
