still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
