forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i think my cat just said my name.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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