So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
