Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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