No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
