Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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