I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Randomize
