Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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