I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
