Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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