Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
