Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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