someone threw a dead crab at me
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
