I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
