She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
