She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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