i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize