i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
