Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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