i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
