someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
