I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I want a musical about memes.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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