I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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