OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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