but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
