I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
