i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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