Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
