Im at strip club and am horny
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
