she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
