Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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