Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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