Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
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I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
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It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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