I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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