now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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