making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
