I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
