I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
