boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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