You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
