Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
