What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
