Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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