Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
