I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
