grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
