I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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