So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
