im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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